“Imagine having a child that refuses to hug you or even look you in the eyes”
Imagine being shamed, as a child, for not showing affection in a way that is unnatural or even painful for you. Imagine being forced, as a child, to show affection in a way that is unnatural or even painful for you. Imagine being told, as a child, that your ways of expressing affection weren’t good enough. Imagine being taught, as a child, to associate physical affection with pain and coercion.
As a preschool special ed para, this is very important to me. All my kids have their own ways of showing affection that are just as meaningful to them as a hug or eye contact is to you or me.
One gently squeezes my hand between both of his palms as he says “squish.” I reciprocate. When he looks like he’s feeling sad or lost, I ask if I can squish him, and he will show me where I can squish him. Sometimes it’s almost like a hug, but most of the time, it’s just a hand or an arm I press between my palms. Then he squishes my hand in return, says “squish,” and moves on. He will come ask for squishes now, when he recognizes that he needs them.
Another boy smiles and sticks his chin out at me, and if he’s really excited, he’ll lean his whole body toward me. The first time he finally won a game at circle time, he got so excited he even ran over and bumped chins with me. He now does it when he sees me outside of school too. I stick out my chin to acknowledge him, and he grins and runs over and I lean down for a chin bump.
Yet another child swings my hand really fast. At a time when another child would be seeking a hug, she stands beside me and holds my hand, and swings it back and forth, with a smile if I’m lucky. The look on her face when I initiate the hand swinging is priceless.
Another one bumps his hip against mine when he walks by in the hallway or on the playground, or when he gets up after I’m done working with him. No eye contact, no words, but he goes out of his way to “crash” into me, and I tell him that it’s good to see him. He now loves to crash into me when I’m least expecting it. He doesn’t want anything, really. Just a bump to say “Hi, I appreciate you’re here.” And when he’s upset and we have to take a break, I’ll bump him, ask if he needs to take a walk, and we just go wander for a bit and discuss whatever’s wrong, and he’s practically glued to my side. Then one more bump before we go back into the room to face the problem.
Moral of the story is, alternative affection is just as valid and vitally important as traditional affection. Reciprocating alternative affection is just as valid and vitally important as returning a hug. That is how you build connections with these children.
This is so goddamn important.
I verbally express affection. A LOT.
My husband… doesn’t. I don’t know why. For the longest time part of me wondered if it meant he loved me less.
At some point I told him about a thing I had done as a kid. Holding hands, three squeezes means ‘I Love You’.
Suddenly he’s telling me I Love You all the time.
Holding my hand, obviously, but also randomly.
taptaptap
on my hand, my shoulder, my butt, my knee, whatever body part is closest to him, with whatever part of him is closest to me
All the time.
More often than I ever verbally said it.
It’s an ingrained signal now, I can tap three times on whatever part of him, and get three taps back in his sleep. Apparently I do the same.
It’s made a huge difference for us.
People say things differently.
This is so sweet and wonderful. There are so many valid ways to show love and affection.
i see yâall with your âsteven goes to work at the mystery shackâ headcanons and iâve just gotta say⌠he would absolutely be the sketchiest person in gravity falls
the 2nd gravity falls summer (bc you know there would be more than one) the mystery is âwhat the fuck is wrong with this traumatized pink teenagerâ instead of âwho is the author of the journalsâÂ
steven: oh yeah I hate it when your friends try to kill you, but you just gotta wait it out and be patient with them and theyâll come around to you eventually
dipper: what. the fuck.
the kids repainting the sign when mabel drops her paintbrush to the ground by accident, cue steven being like ânp iâll get itâ and walking straight off the edge of the roofÂ
mabel: i hate that picture of me, 4th gradeâs the worst
steven: haha yeahâŚgradesâŚthose exist⌠i definitely didnât look exactly the same from ages 8 to 14 for complicated shapeshifting reasons
âour grunkle stan is kind of a sketchy guyâ âoh no way most of my family are war criminalsâ
steven: *breaks a cup* aw shit *licks it and it seals back together*Â
dipper: *furiously taking notes*
theres no possible way that steven âhavenât you noticed Iâm a starâ universe doesnât come over to mabelâs slumber parties w/ candy and grenda and casually mention his girlfriend who a. is literally a knight in shining armor, b. has taken down multiple genocidal dictators thousands of times her size, not to mention c. mastering the art of swordfighting when she was twelve and d. saving his life and the lives of all the beach city residents on a regular basis
dipper: *trying to reach something on a high shelf*
steven: oh here you go *shapeshifts his arm to grab it and bring it down*
dipper: ??????thanks??
playing w/ waddles and nonchalantly saying something about missing his own large, pink pet, a magical lion that can teleport and that he has ridden into battle multiple times
(at suzyâs diner) steven: donât worry, iâll get the billÂ
various pines: thanks man
steven: itâs cool, my dadâs a millionaire
dipper:
itâs honestly the funniest fucking thing to imagine steven outright not even PRETENDING to hide any of the unusual parts of himself, but dipper still acting as if itâs all some giant conspiracy heâs going to crack by the end of summer.
mabel:Â âdipper, stop being such a dummy-dumb, he literally TOLD us that heâs half gem on his motherâs side!â
dipper, chewing furiously on his pen:Â âyeah, but what does that MEAN???â
Iâm not good with the science of this or anything (someone who knows more feel free to add) but fish can play??? Fish can play like any other animal?? People saying it couldnât breathe, do human kids not hold their breaths to go under water for fun? Itâs just the opposite. Air is water, water is air. In the same vein as a kid being thrown up and into the pool and enjoying it, the fish is playing.
okay⌠as someone who studies marine biology I need to clarify something:
fish are unable to hold their breaths. They literally cannot take a deep breath like mammals do.
We have lungs that can take in a specific volume of air, fish have gills that work when they are ventilated enough. There are different kinds of gills, yes. Some fish have something called âoperculumâ which is like a cap on top of the gills, helping to protect them and increasing the water circulation through the gills. Some fish DONT have this structure and need to swim in order to be able to breathe.
But the fact that they cannot hold their breaths doesnt mean that they cannot survive without water for a while - in fact, fish can (usually) survive being without water WAY LONGER than we could survive being without air.
I cannot tell if this fish does this for fun, but it sure looks like it. But I am not a behavioural biologist, so I canât tell for sure.
It is abundantly clear the fish is a willing participant. Itâs sort of arrogant to assume animals other than humans donât play like humans.
Im not a behavior biologist either, but I have spent a lot of time around fish and ive spent a lot of time talking to and helping people that care for fish. (Former petstore fish guy that took his job too seriously)
That fish is having fun, and fish absolutely DO have fun!
There was a regular who came into the store I worked at a lot, and he kept several varieties of chichlids, a very smart, aggressive type of fish.
He would come in and talk to me about all the drama his fish get into. The different territorial disputes they were having, who had paired off with who, who broke up (yes chichlids are like this)
But he had a jack dempsey in particular that LOVED to chase his hand around the tank, not his wifeâs hand, not his friendâs hand, it HAD to be him. He said that as soon as he entered the room where this fishâs tank was kept, the fish would TEAR UP the tank decor, knocking things over and acting a fool off his shits until this dude stuck his hand in there and let the fish chase it around back and forth.
He theorized that his fish learned that if he knocked the tank decor around, his owner would obviously have to stick his hand in to fix it. So when he wants to play âchase dadâs handâ thats naturally how he knows he can get the hand to appear. He wont do this behavior for anybody but this one guy and he wonât tear up the tank anymore after he had received sufficient âplay timeâ, usually once a day when the guy got home from work. He likened it to having a dog that wont leave you alone till you play tug o war for a bit.
I had a betta that would spend twenty minutes at a time just swimming up to the waterfall of the filter, letting it push him down to the bottom of the tank, only to swim back up and do it again, like it was a fucking slide.
Bettas are weak swimmers, and they dislike strong currents, but this guy was using the filter current like a slide. Kinda like how we donât really like getting thrown around, but we still enjoy rollercoasters.
I also have countless stories about goldfish trying to âgive hugsâ (re: shove themselves into their owners hands during tank maintenance)
My betta knows how to lie and he will only beg for food in front of those he knows have not fed him yet.
There is so much evidence Iâve seen that fish are waaaay smarter and affectionate than we think. They absolutely have fun and I honestly donât think enough studies have been done on fish brains and fish behavior in general.
And honestly, having worked in a pet store, fish are generally treated like they donât have brains by even the fish care brands that claim expert knowledge.
Its definitely worth noting that hard scientific evidence presenting that the very opposite is true would probably lead to more robust animal welfare laws that would definitely upset the aquatics industry. Food for thought.
I think youâre absolutely right on that last point. The misconception that fish are too thoughtless to have feelings facilitates the abhorrent conditions in which they are kept and ways they are treated by the industry.
I used to have a lovely tank, I think it was 50 gallons, and among other things I kept glass catfish. All the research at the time said they were hard to keep in captivity and prone to refusing to eat and starving themselves, and that they did not live long in captivity. But I was fascinated and had to try it. It took me about three days to realize none of the literature said a word about them being nocturnal. I started feeding them at night right before bed, and had zero problems getting them to eat, saw they were incredibly active as soon as the lights went off (I have exceptional night vision) and I kept them in excellent health for years. Exponentially beyond their captive life expectancy.
I think the commercial pet fish trade is abysmal in terms of actual working knowledge of fish.
